I thought that I had moved on; that the pain and tears were buried and locked away, never to resurface. But all it took was a glimpse of her in an old photo. A flood of blinding tears and sad memories was released. Uttering her name itself is an effort, a pain, as if that sound carries a bit of her in it.
Death is so confusing. Death of a loved one leaves us perplexed. Warm, laughing images of her with her funny tones and naughty expressions, clash with a harsh picture of her, lying in a casket, oblivious to all the emotion being unleashed around her. I could never forget the last kiss I gave. As my lips touched her soft cheek, the chill of her body sent a tremor through me. I did not want to let her go, I wanted to stroke her and warm her back to life. I wished that when my hot tears fell on her face, she would open her eyes, get up and comfort me. Those loving arms which had enfolded me so many times, lay limp at her side.
Towards the end, we used to visit her at the hospital and at home. I remember, each goodbye was a tight hug, “pray for me”, she would whisper and both our eyes would well up.
Why is she filling my thoughts tonight? So that I can write this? My dear aunt and I were kindred spirits, she was just a slightly different version of my own amma. We loved each other so much. Maybe the fact that she chose to leave this world on my birthday would be a testimonial to us. I like to believe that she does not ever want me to forget her, as if ever I could. That was my worst birthday ever, the day she died. ‘Died’, how easy to write that word.
On my birthday, my friends would call to wish me and invariably the next question would be, “hey, whats wrong?, hearing my dull reply. Oh God, you called her too soon. I wanted her here for some more years. I could always turn to her for mature, practical advice. She should have taught me her wonderful dishes. She should have known that I have become an architect. She should have been there I get married. But I like to believe that she is still here.
God felt that she would be much happier with him. I know I can pray to her for any of my problems. We have got our very own family angel up there now!
11 comments:
Deep from your heart!...the feeeling is intense..It is a silent conversation sharing your feelings. You have done it beautifully.
I liked it so well.
Thank you so much uncle, this is my most sincere blog and i was wondering why noone commented on it. Will keep your words of advice in mind.
Death leaves behind a part of them in us and takes away a part of us with them.As for none commenting on it,perhaps the great pieces pieces of writing don't evoke an answer but rather an outpouring of silence in which they dwell deep within themselves and your post did that to me.
Sorry, if I barged into your private space online. By chance to be true, I landed up here but would like to follow your blog and comment if you may permit. Thank you. God bless us all.
If I may ask, Why is that you have chosen not to post? There is sincerity in your writing and sincerity is what we can plead for in a word...So if I may venture one step ahead and say, do continue to post if you will.
Hello Reji, thank you so much for the appreciation. Truth is, your comment made me log in after sooo long. I don't know, I just lost touch with my writing. I will try to resume.
Hmmm when you write, a part of your soul conjures up to leave a trace of itself, so don't know if I would accept your words on losing touch with writing:)After all, it is about you, a flow of thought married to your feelings:) sure you will continue to write...
Perhaps this would encourage you to write, fellow blogger, You see I'm a developmental banker which means each day so many stories, so many lives,trying hard to bring a meaning to lives here. I was lost myself thinking of something very close to what you wrote in your post, except that I didn't see that I had an angel in heaven that I can call my own,hope you understand Expresso, a different name I must say, do continue to write and you might help a soul like you did now. May my Mother Mary bless you, sorry, I happen to be a catholic, god bless you.
Good morn Expresso, thaw did your post so I couldn't help but express my gratitude so write I did a post of my own in my blog and did mention thy post. If time doth permit please do read and if you have any reservations please do let me know. My respects to you and Thank You. God bless.
Hello Expresso, didn't know if i must post this comment,hope I don't trouble you with more comments.Just wanted to share something, as I wrote my post on the Birthday of the Blessed Mother of Christ which falls this month, I remembered that you had written your post in September too. So if your birthday falls on this month, happy Birthday and Happy feast of the Blessed Mother too. Also I understand you'd be a bit sad then. You know your post got me reflecting and this is what I am gonna do on such days of my life, 'celebrate their lives'. I'll pray for your Aunt and Happy birthday and feast day to you. Your post did strike a chord within. God Bless you Madam whoever you are.
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