My Fairy Godmother

I thought that I had moved on; that the pain and tears were buried and locked away, never to resurface. But all it took was a glimpse of her in an old photo. A flood of blinding tears and sad memories was released. Uttering her name itself is an effort, a pain, as if that sound carries a bit of her in it.
Death is so confusing. Death of a loved one leaves us perplexed. Warm, laughing images of her with her funny tones and naughty expressions, clash with a harsh picture of her, lying in a casket, oblivious to all the emotion being unleashed around her. I could never forget the last kiss I gave. As my lips touched her soft cheek, the chill of her body sent a tremor through me. I did not want to let her go, I wanted to stroke her and warm her back to life. I wished that when my hot tears fell on her face, she would open her eyes, get up and comfort me. Those loving arms which had enfolded me so many times, lay limp at her side.
Towards the end, we used to visit her at the hospital and at home. I remember, each goodbye was a tight hug, “pray for me”, she would whisper and both our eyes would well up.
Why is she filling my thoughts tonight? So that I can write this? My dear aunt and I were kindred spirits, she was just a slightly different version of my own amma. We loved each other so much. Maybe the fact that she chose to leave this world on my birthday would be a testimonial to us. I like to believe that she does not ever want me to forget her, as if ever I could. That was my worst birthday ever, the day she died. ‘Died’, how easy to write that word.
On my birthday, my friends would call to wish me and invariably the next question would be, “hey, whats wrong?, hearing my dull reply. Oh God, you called her too soon. I wanted her here for some more years. I could always turn to her for mature, practical advice. She should have taught me her wonderful dishes. She should have known that I have become an architect. She should have been there I get married. But I like to believe that she is still here.
God felt that she would be much happier with him. I know I can pray to her for any of my problems. We have got our very own family angel up there now!

Let Me Be....!!!!!!!!

We all know that each of us has been created unique and one of a kind. Yet, honestly, do we accept each person as they are? Of course, our social system expects each of us to behave in a certain way. But even in man to man relationships, we are not ready to accept the unique traits and character of a person. We expect them to behave a certain way, of which they might not be even remotely aware of. This expectation often ends up in disappointment. There is the story of crows driving away the white crow, who is the odd one out. People have this narrow concept of how he or she should be. I feel they are actually scared of a person who is different.
I find it hard to be part of a close knit group, where you do everything together. I love companionship but I am not ready to sacrifice my privacy or space. Those times I spent with myself are the happiest for me, when I get completely energized. I believe that a person must be comfortable with himself, first and then try to befriend others. Well, if you can’t love yourself, then who will. Of course, there are times when I love the group feel but not 24 x 7.
If you truly love a person, u must not encroach upon that hidden bubble, which we all have. I have some real close buddies whom I can never do without. Each of us know we love each other to life. But that does not mean that we call each other everyday or keep track of all our life’s happenings. Life has scattered us into different corners and we get to see each other rarely. Yet time and distance does nothing to our bond. If I have a serious issue, I don’t think twice about whom to call. If I say something, there is no why and ‘how could you’, but just understanding murmurs or comforting words. I pray and hope they remain with me till my life’s end. I could never thank God enough for them.

Aaja nachle

Dance the night away….these words do not have any particular significance in my daily life. I am not in a position (geographically/personally) to frequent discos or have a girls night out. But now and then I get this golden chance, sometimes unexpected. Not that I am a great dancer, but I do like to jump around, quite literally. There is something about swinging to music that is quite liberating and helps you shed inhibitions. Dancing alone at home, behind closed doors is a secret pleasure that energizes you and can lift you from the deepest abyss. Being with a group is a whole different ball game. The comfort levels must be good, then there is no looking back. Seeing your pal do that long forgotten kiddish move, dragging you along and before you know it, the whole bunch is doing those ridiculous moves. Of course, there is always that group of genuinely great dancers who need no dorky guru. They’re out there on their own, their bodies flowing to the rhythm, and no repetitive moves. I stare open mouthed and attempt to break my bones, imitating them. Thank God, my left footed friends drag me away and we continue our monkey moves. Then they play THAT song which makes everyone wild. No time for stylish moves, all you gotta do is jump, jump, jump! And when we all get into a bear hug and jump together it is pure ecstasy. It feels like you are a single being, bouncing on a single pair of feet. That is the time when even the shyest ones come forward and join you. Well, a warning here, this group-bear-hug-jumping thing can be quite hazardous to the dancers around. The group often loses all sense and control knocking down couples and falling onto chairs. Well, whatz a few broken chairs and bruised egos when you can be sooo high!

RELEASE

Detach myself, huh? How exactly am I supposed to do that? From people with whom I‘ve spent my whole life. When they start to fall apart, I should grab all I’ve got and FLEE??!!
Of course, it’s my life, to be lived and enjoyed by me. Never mind all those who’ve put it together. See, now you are independent. So when the ship is burning, run for your own life, save yourself.
You love someone with all your heart. Forgive all their small misgivings. Knowing they are not innocent, and yet loved. But it was all just a farce. They are just used to getting love, getting, getting. Sincerity and loyalty are not in the picture and not to be expected.
And now, finally, it’s all bare before me. No, don’t cry. I’m the clever one. Pretending I was never attached, so that the hurt doesn’t sink deep. Take life head on.
But things will never be the same. Deep inside, I know that. But I can’t let that show. That would crumble the whole pretense. The show must go on. And strengthen the fallen ones, who loved deeper and lost all.
There is nothing permanent in life, least of all the characters. One moment…..that realization can turn around your whole world. That bubble you live in is make-believe, apt to burst with the tiniest prick. Strengthen yourself because all that remains is you. Ultimately, life has to be lived alone. Can anyone actually ‘share’ their deepest joys and sorrows? I don’t know, I have never felt that.
People tell me, don’t overdramatize. It’s happening all around. You are not a lone victim. Great consolation that is! My sorrow is mine own, not to be explained or convinced. You can talk it out, but will anyone really understand? Can you make them ‘feel’ what you are feeling?
The mind will create its own heaven and hell, free from the reality around. Make your own world; it’s the only way to survive. None need break and enter, none needs to be let in. Mine own, sweet self is company enough.